A gentle F.U. to contemporary airline travel

Part I

"No thanks, I would rather suffer in a small cramped space than pay you for fucking extra foot room"


I have found myself traveling quite a bit lately. Doesn't really matter where, but I find myself being shipped par avion fairly frequently. I am not one of those people with a secret dread of flying, I actually like it. The smaller the plane the better. Prop plane? Sure! Private mini jet, Helicopter? Yes, please! Seaplane? Secret dream of mine.

Unfortunately, I normally travel in the coach section of a commercial jet plane. And recently I have been finding it to be an experience analogous to injecting mercury into my soul.

Numbing and fucking annoying.

(as an aside may I commend myself for biting my tongue the whole time I stood in the Philadelphia passport control line in front of an American couple and spoiled teenage daughter while they complained "Chill OUT mom! I don't see the no phone sign", that the non- US passport line was shorter, that they would probably have more rights if they were US citizens, and why were these stupid non US passport holders in the US passport [and legal resident] line?)

All security, passport lines. overpriced airport food, poor quality actual airline food, cranky flight attendants, small filthy bathrooms aside, my patience sort of snapped when I was handed my small plastic drink cup, (food for $$$$$ only), put down my tray table and found myself staring at an advertisement.

My "be polite and friendly and you will get what you want" mantra broke.

The "Fuck You" part of my brain broke free. I did not pay lots of money and squeeze everything into a carry on bag to sit in a small seat and be captive audience to advertising.

So I .....took a nap.....

well, I HAD just taken an 11 hour flight previous to this one and even at the most awake of times the "Fuck You" part of my brain never quite makes it past the "be respectful and be dignified!" barrier.

On my last flight I was able to at least break through the "be dignified!" barrier.

PART II
With a little bit of effort you can simultaneously make a spectacle of yourself, eat well, and even enjoy airline travel.


I found a nice sturdy picnic basket for my 'personal item' and packed two white linen napkins, one china plate, some (slightly tarnished) silverware -no knife, one china tea cup, nice tea, and a thermal container.

Next I stopped by my favorite takeaway and filled the thermos with Panang curry. When placed over rice in the thermos the curry does not constitute as a liquid.

On board, I politely declined the offered Lipton and poured the hot water over the Jasmine tea in the china tea cup. I spread one linen napkin over the offending advertisement and set the plate. I then proceeded to devour the curry while ignoring the alternating weird and jealous looks around me.

Next time I might try Lasagna.